‘I have this voice in my head. It’s like there is someone always looking over my shoulder, judging me. And I always feel like I am being condemned, like I am failing’.
This is what a man in ministry once said to me in a supervision session. He was feeling deeply discouraged about ministry, and the voice in his head was dragging him deeper down.
So I asked him, ‘Does this voice have a name? Is there an actual person associated with it? Is it the voice of someone you know?’
Without hesitation, he named a significant leader in his denomination, someone who had been a formative influence in his life. To be honest, it was a moment of shock for both of us. I didn’t actually expect him to say yes to my question. And he’d never actually articulated the identity of the inner voice.
I was thinking of this conversation as a result of Episode Three of The Blunder Bus. Stuart Robinson – Bishop, rector of South Head Anglican Parish in Sydney’s east, church planter and pastor – shares the story of a heartbreaking leadership mistake. Stuart is incredibly vulnerable as he describes a decision that he made which caused a fledgling church plant to die a stone cold death. It really is quite painful.
Even more interesting is that he is able to articulate the reason why he made the decision. He did it because of the influence of an older leader outside his church, who placed pressure on him to conform to a particular pattern of ministry.
Stuart says that he wasn’t listening to the ‘Audience of One’. I don’t know who first used that expression, but it refers to caring only what Jesus thinks about what we are doing, as opposed to the crowd of people around us who place (unrealistic?) expectations upon us. The result, sadly, is that we often do find ourselves performing for an audience, but it’s not Jesus. It’s some voice in our head, either named or anonymous, who is passing judgement and bringing condemnation. undefined
It seems tome the Apostle Paul knew something about this. He says, ‘I care very little ifI am judged by you or by any human court; indeed I do not even judge myself…It is the Lord who judges me’ (1 Corinthians 4:3-4). Paul had a fractious relationship with the Corinthian church, who was very free with its harsh judgements and condemnation. Yet Paul came to a place where he only really cared about the Audience of One. He didn’t even place that much store in his judgements upon himself! What mattered to him was the opinion of Jesus.
How do those voices get into our heads? I am not really sure. (Actually, I’d be really interested in your thoughts on this. Post a comment on our Facebook page. I assume the man who became my friend’s voice of condemnation would be horrified to hear how pernicious his influence had become.
If I had to guess, I’d say it comes from a misplaced desire to be discerning. Yes, we care about the truth. We are taught to carefully consider whether something is right or wrong. We want to know that churches are teaching sound doctrine, that ministries are faithful.
Yet it can be a short journey from being discerning to being judgemental. One encourages a spirit of grace, a generosity, a desire to be encouraging. The other fosters a culture of criticism and harsh assessment.
In fact, judgementalism actually produces fear and paralysis. My friend who was hearing that negative voice was actually doing pretty well in his ministry as far as I could tell. He had every reason to be encouraged. He hadn’t actually failed, and certainly hadn’t done anything wrong in any moral or ethical sense.
But the voice in his head was nagging away, planting doubt and uncertainty. Was he working hard enough? Was he preaching well enough? Was be being successful enough? Of course, he felt the answer to all of these questions was no. Which led to crippling despair. Why do anything when he was bound to fail?
My personal resolve is to be a person who speaks well of others. Who breathes life and hope into conversations, not someone who throws a heavy blanket of judgement and negativity over people’s lives. Honestly, I find this more difficult than I care to admit.
Please God, do not let me the discouraging voice in anyone else’s head.
If our desire is to see new and/or experimental ministries flourish, we need to cultivate a culture—and a language— of hope and encouragement. And we need to cultivate the ability to listen to the one voice that matters. At the same time we need to turn down the volume on the voices of judgement and negativity, and become finely attuned to the Audience of One. The One who is actually smiling upon us: Jesus.